I Am Alone
by kilosi
Summary: Lightning's internal struggles that spans several years after Cocoon's demise.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: "I Am Alone."

Author's Note:

This is my first fic...ever. I figure I'd try my hand at it. I have done some thought and hopefully, will end up doing something different but interesting. It is quite a different take on things, that's for sure. This story will be about Lightning and some intense internal struggles. At times the writing will seem vague, but it'll make sense as the story progresses (revisiting them at the end will help).

A few quick notes:

I do a lot of technical writing. I apologize for any mistakes that make it in the text because of this. Feel free to leave any comments and I will correct them.

I am open to constructive criticism.

Well, here is the short Prologue: it really will not make much sense until the very end.

* * *

PRESENT DAY

Several years after Cocoon's 'demise'.

The sun was only beginning to rise over the horizon casting bright rays of sunlight along the valley floor. The morning dew glistened as the beams of yellow light traveled further along the ground. Soon the entire valley was covered by a blanket of warmth. The darkness faded into what was a mere thought of the past. Now, the day was here and nature, or one should say the brutal nature of Pulse, returned.

She shifted her position to the left a bit, while still maintaining her look on the valley below from her clifftop perch. Her ritual of late was to come to this cliff during the night, when everyone else was asleep. She found it to be the only way to receive any solace from her past. From the past that she wished was not hers.

Her eyes closed at the thought of her past. She shut the morning rays out and looked into the darkness that appeared; the darkness like the night she is attracted too. The memories started to flood into her mind; trying to break down her natural barriers of will power. They almost gushed through before she snapped her eyes back open. She placed her hands to the sides of her head, fingers going through her soft pink hair. Her mind closed up, the barriers rebuilt and composure regained. Even though the valley was before her, it was not what she was seeing. Her eyes saw nothing right now; into nothingness they looked and nothing they found; much like that night at Bodhum with the fireworks.

Some time passed, she wasn't sure how much, but the valley was alive with its natural wild life. Much of it was too far away to tell what it was, except the most obvious ones. She ran her hands along her legs, and down to her ankles, gripping them slightly. Her eyes changed to the bright blue sky and in the distance, Cocoon's shell could be seen. The crystal pillar jutting upwards from Pulse and portions of Ragnarok cradling it gently. Long crystal tendrils slinked upwards, on the side of the shell, towards the top. The sun light reflected off of certain sections and angles making it sparkle. It would be considered a beautiful site if the viewer did not know its history. But for the Humans on Pulse, it was definitely completely different. It was the end of a life style. Many did not wish to give it up, but were forced too. Everyone lost something important to them. Life went on, there was always hope and it never seemed to fad.

But how long does hope last? How far can it make a person go? Through what? What do you do when you keep losing even after you almost lost it all? What happens when you do lose it all? How much further can you go? Expect to go? Does hope still exist at this point?

The young woman, still cradling her ankles, her eyes now tightly shut and resisting the urge to let the emotions in her heart swell into her eyes.

_They are gone._"I am alone."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I like to get right to the point about things so most of my chapters will probably be under 1000 words.

CHAPTER 1

Several years after Cocoon's 'demise'.

Shortly after the Prologue.

Her hand gently brushed the top of the crude looking stone. She felt the rough and porous surface, her fingers moving up and down slightly in the hills and valleys. Eventually, the top of the stone ended and her hand fell off of the side and bumped against the side of her leg. She continued to walk, and again, her hand brushed another top of a crude stone. As before, her fingers traced the top. A wind blew by, damp and cool; making her light pink hair become unsettled. A shiver went up her back, but she continued walking and tracing the object to her right with her fingers. A few more steps and her hand ran out of stone. She approached a third stone, and again, she traced the top. A blank expression on her face the entire time.

She fought hard to fight back the emotions. The sadness, the anguish, the depression, the darkness and the tears. Her walls, strong as they were, found it hard to continually hold back these feelings. They battered against her every second of every day. They tore her apart and stripped the life from her. Her young face looked hollow and dead. Her eyes seemed to be empty and had no spark. The way she moved was in sluggish movements. Her grace was taken from her. Words cannot describe the toll that this battle took on her.

One day the emotions would completely destroy her walls and she feared what would happen. Though, a part of her, would welcome such an event. Maybe it would bring her some solace. Maybe the heart ache that tormented her so much would be gone. Maybe she could ride on the flood of black emotions. A part of her said no to this and continued to fight and fight she did.

The young woman now stood in front of the three stones. They were misshaped and crudely placed in the ground. Most likely, they were found without much effort or energy. Some scratch marks were carved into the front of the stones. The writing was difficult to read from too far of a distance. There were three slight dips in the ground before the stones, indicating the earth in those places were moved at one point. That was the only clue, for the grass was present there.

She stood and looked at these stones, at the earth and at the markings. She knew what they said even though she could not see the words clearly. She should know – because she carved them. She remembered carving the words like it was yesterday.

_It was dark by then and wet. It was only fitting for it to rain ... Taking her retractable knife out from her pouch, she knelt down in the mud, and slowly began to carve the letters into the wet stone. The tears streamed from her eyes but her face was already completely soaked from the pouring rain. She didn't know how long it took her to carve the letters or the words into the hard stone... But that sound, the scratching sound of the knife against the rock. It was loud and overcame the pitter patter of the rain. It filled her mind and consumed her thoughts. She was numb – so numb from that sound. Maybe it helped her do what she had to do. Regardless, she hears it when she lies down at night for sleep._

"SNOW VILLIERS

22 YRS OLD"

"SERAH FARRON

19 YRS OLD

My sister"

She could not bare to even look at the third stone. Simply, she turn and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Thanks for the review – you learn something new every day. I will ensure my chapters are at least 1000 words in length. This one is longer than 1000 (+1300) words. The next chapter will be longer than this as I have much to write. For this chapter, it can be summed up with the following statement: Before you can climb outta that hole, you gotta hit rock bottom first.

I shall do short briefs in the beginning of each chapter explaining the status of the world in this story.

* * *

CHAPTER 2

Several years after Cocoon's 'demise'.

Shortly after the first chapter.

It was not long after the destruction of Cocoon that civilization began anew in its shadow. Due to the local proximity of a large amount of PSICOM and Guardian Corps a good portion of Eden's local population managed to be evacuated from the city, to the surface of Pulse. The other cities – not so lucky. Large groups from the other cities did manage to make it to the surface, but not everyone. The military could move only so many people on short notice from Rosch's final command. Even so, life went on and the survives started to rebuild their lives.

It was not easy, that is for sure. Numerous hardships were encountered, and difficult choices were made. The military assumed the role of the government, with a council of leaders consisting of upper echelon commanders from PSICOM and the Corp.

* * *

The young woman made her way back through the light brush and rocky trail. She moved with a fading grace. She could not push the thoughts out of her mind – no matter how hard she tried. She felt as if she failed them, failed all of them. She got them through to the end when they were l'Cies. Everything after that was _supposed_ to be easier.

_Wasn't it?_

She stopped, suddenly, realizing she was home. If one could call it that. The building was simple – made from metal plates located from the ruins of Cocoon. Many of the buildings the civilians had were similar. It showed signs of age – there were hints of rust at the joints and edges. She entered the main room, which was quite bare: some metal chairs around a table in the center. A make shift kitchen was along the back wall. A small common space to the left of that. A door on the right led to the "bedrooms", which were merely dorm sized rooms with a cot and a table. Life after the destruction of Cocoon was not pleasant for most of the survivors. Rays of sunlight poured in through the windows, highlighting the dust in the air, and making for a paler illumination than normal.

She unbuckled her sheath that held her gun-blade and the pouches around her left leg. Her eyes glanced at the pair of oversized boots near the door way. A thin layer of dust covered them. Her gun-blade and pouch were hung up before she sat down at one of the metal chairs, it creaking under her weight. Lightning's head turned slowly, scanning the room. A small green scarf was idling on the back of another chair. A small orange-brown jacket on the floor, near a small metal table in the common room. A few cups on the table before her. All gathering dust. She dared not to touch them.

Like hundreds of times in the past her eyes closed and she fought back the memories.

"_Oh, hey sis." said an obnoxious voice from the bedrooms. She turned her head, annoyed as usual, and saw Snow enter the main room. He had a big grin on his face. _What was it always with him?

The chance to know would never come now.

_She ignored him, and he sat down at the table, on the other side of her. He grabbed one of the metal cups from the middle of table, looked at it for a moment before pouring him some coffee from a simple metal container. The rich smell of roasted beans filled the air. She was never a fan of coffee – too much dependence on it proved to be a liability._

"_I was thinking we'd all go out later today." Snow said, catching onto her annoyance with the world, him or whatever it was. "Serah wants too..." he trailed off as he noticed Lightning was not paying any attention to him._

She shook her head, snapping the memory into pieces. This place seemed so much brighter back then when compared to right now. She stood up and made her way to the seat Snow was sitting in. She sat down and looked in the same direction he did on that day. She looked at the seat she was sitting in – then and now. She looked at it: her eyes piercing the back of the chair, and trying so hard to imagine herself there. She tried to imagine her own outline across the table, sitting there, looking away with a distorted look on her face. A look that displayed annoyance, and maybe even anger.

She continued to look at the empty seat, but seeing herself now...

"_I'm busy later." she said curtly, but quickly added. "Be careful." Her head turned and her eyes briefly looked at _her_, er Snow, and then returned to the previous position._

"Suit yourself sis." she found herself saying...repeating the words that came out of Snow's mouth so long ago.

She felt herself start to spiral into darkness...

* * *

How far do you go before you end it? How dark does it have to get before all of the light vanishes from your life? When you look at the world and the only thing you see is darkness, what do you do? What do you have to look forward too? When everything comes to an end and everything you loved and cherished shatters before your eyes in an instant, what do you do? What can you do? What do you want to do? So many questions and all with no answers.

She laid her head on the pillow in the small, plain room. She laid there, quietly, thinking about how she has nothing and is alone.

When you look at your hands and they do not seem like yours anymore – are you really living your life? When you see your face in the reflection and the only thing that stares back at you is a hollow husk – are you really living your life?

Lightning closed her eyes and gripped the pillow tight to her chest. She felt the soft texture rub against her neck and chin reminding her of better days. She could smell..._him_...on it, but it was faint now. She smiled for a moment, thinking of her past...

_What if you lost it all?_

_Could you go on?_

She laid there for hours. Her breathing slowed to a gentle pace – her chest rising and falling. Her slight smile, very rare these days, became a frown.

Her cheeks gradually becoming damp as the minutes wore on...

_Should I go on?_

...from the tears that left her eyes.

The pain was so deep and it was in the process of ruining her. She missed _him_ so much and there was nothing she could to do bring _him_ back. She wanted to be with _him _and talk to _him_. She couldn't. She thought about how much she didn't say to _him_ and it burned her insides.

Her closed eyes shut even tighter. She could see _his_...hair moving in the wind. _His_ smile when she would return every evening. _He_ loved her? And she did not return it to _him_? Did _he_ ever know how she felt?

That she...

_I l..._

Something moved behind her, startling her, she turned quickly, with her old grace...

She saw _him_?

The hope?


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! I am glad (not in a bad way) that some of you can relate to feeling the way that Lightning currently is. I was concerned if anyone would be able to connect with her on that level.

I was planning on going a specific route with this story, but I sort of came up with a different direction I've been toying with. I will leave the route (and ending) up to you readers to decide: Happy or Sad? (though this story is pretty sad already...)

I am unsure if this should be rated M (being my first fic and all). Please let me know if it should be changed and I will change it.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

Several years after Cocoon's 'demise'.

The military government focused on establishing order first, and then rebuilding their society. A new city was built a long distance away from Cocoon and the crystal pillar that held it in the air. However, there were several base camps directly underneath the shattered husk. These served as focal points to gather materials from the ruins of everyone's former life. Military craft would ferry workers from the surface up into the depths of Cocoon to retrieve what could be salvageable.

Over the span of a few months, the new settlement, Neo-Cocoon as it was called, began to take shape. Makeshift buildings were constructed rapidly and living arrangements were assigned by the government. Soon, job roles were doled out (mostly on past experiences of each person) and at times, forced conscription was done (to defend against the natural wild life). Plans to farm the local plains and to hunt the wild life were put into place for the population's food supply. The majority of the citizens were too worried about their own lives and trying to get by than to realize what was transpiring under their noses. The military started to take more control of everyone's daily life.

The first winter was rough. Due to the short growing season, not much was harvested and the people were woefully unprepared to what a Pulse winter was like. It was during this that the first of several disasters occurred: the inadequate preparations lead to mass frostbite and unnecessary deaths. The military did what it could, but only so much could be done in such a short period of time. After the winter, the people clamored for something to be done for the next one. Plans were put in place...

It was here, that a distinct difference could be seen. The military essentially assumed a dictatorship, and completely ran the citizen's lives. Neo-Cocoon became a police state. Even though the leaders had good intentions, sometimes, things go awry...

* * *

Her body turned and looked at the door way. Something seemed to vanish to the left of the door frame. She thought she heard something echo down the hallway.

She quickly leapt out of the bed and dashed into the hallway, hoping to catch a better glimpse of whatever it was. As she turned, she saw wisps of..._his hair_?...twist into the main room. Quickly now, she rushed close behind into the main room. Her eyes caught another glimpse of movement: the front door slowly closed, a soft click was heard.

Her mind was reeling from what she was seeing.

When there is hope in your soul and it grabs at you, how can you resist it? When this hope tries to infuse itself with your inner being, do you give into it? Should you let it take over? As you stand on the edge, looking down into the abyss...the end...and behind you the light shines so brightly, is it time to tumble over the edge and end it? Or do you let the light grasp your shoulders gently, and then your hands and pull you away? If you look into the light will you become blind by the hope? Should you? These are the choices that one must make when they despair so much that they are not themselves anymore. They become the definition of internal turmoil torn asunder by traumatic losses close to their bleeding hearts.

She moved through the main room with agility spurred on by hope. Her vision would go white for a brief half of a second at sporadic times. Her mind dismissed these. Within seconds, she made it to the front door and reached out to the door handle. Her arm pulled it and then pushed outwards. She ran into the front yard, and saw...nothing. Just the green scape of her secluded house.

The sound of her pounding heart filled her mind. She glanced around looking frantically for whatever it was she just saw and heard. But her eyes found nothing. There was a large stone a ways off from the building – she went to it and sat down. The sun beat down on her and she looked down at her legs. She studied them and thought about _him_...

_It was some time after Snow and Serah left for the day. Hope emerged from the bedrooms looking like he just crawled out of his bed. He had sleep written all over his face. His hair was a complete mess – it was shooting off in every different direction. He sat down at the table, oddly enough, in the same seat that Snow sat in earlier. "Hey Light." he drew the words out a bit longer than usual due to his sleepy state. He flashed a small smile at the end, catching onto her solemn mood._

_She looked at him and studied him for a bit. She took notice of his sleepy features, and then replied "Finally up?"_

_He put his chin on his hands as he leaned on the table. "Yep. I told Snow I'd meet him and Serah in the city today."_

_Lightning shrugged._

The last moments of the ones that she loved were bitter filled thoughts that she could not be proud of. How can you feel positive of any sort when the end was not how it should be? Not how she wanted it to be. She placed her head in her hands and gave up. The barriers came crashing down like never before and the flood gates opened. The flood of emotion and loss washed over her. She held these gates up for so many weeks and months and it was only until now, that they found their extreme end. Her eyes emptied themselves...all of the sadness, anger, and disappointment left during those moments.

It was not until sometime later, when she stopped her heartfelt sobbing that something moved behind her. She quickly turned and looked with red and teary eyes. On the other side of the building near a treeline, she could see..._him?_ He stood there for a brief moment, looking at her, before he faded behind some brush. Lightning leapt to her feet, again, and sprinted across the grass towards the forest. She sprinted past the building, and to the woods.

She arrived there within seconds and looked around, frantically, searching for any signs of _him_. She looked at the ground and could not see well enough due to the water in her eyes. She rubbed them quickly with her hands, and still, she couldn't see. She felt the hope and anguish tearing at her insides. She fell to her knees and moved the brush around, looking for any signs of _him_. Nothing. Lightning let loose a breath and sat there for a moment.

A snap in the distance echoed and her head jerked up. Again, she leapt to her feet and blindly ran towards the noise, through the forest. She was oblivious to the underbrush scraping against her legs and lower body. She did not care. She would run through fire and ice if she had too. As her legs carried her forward, she could feel herself lose her grip on reality once more. She felt the insides fight with themselves, the hope, the anger, the sadness. All battling within. For a brief moment, with her walls down, she felt...free. She never felt this way before: completely unhindered by the emotional walls she usually held. However, another sound ahead of her pushed those thoughts aside.

She ran towards it even faster, with more dedication and resolve. Suddenly, she left the woods and came to the outskirts of Neo-Cocoon. She was surprised at how fast she arrived here. She stopped, looking at the metal clad buildings, they all looked the same. People were milling about going among their daily tasks, as assigned by the military.

Something moved between two buildings ahead of her. It almost sounded like foot steps, and maybe a laugh? _His _laugh? She made her way over there and saw nothing. She emerged on the other side, and found herself in an open street.

The second she set foot on the open street, a dense fog seemed to cloud her vision. It was as if she was looking through a black tunnel, the center was clear to see but the outer edges were wavy and distorted.

_The buildings around her were familiar, all too familiar. The time of day was now evening. A storm seemed to be on the horizon, the dark clouds reached over the sky and were heading in their direction. She wondered why they had not returned yet? She had to go find them. It was getting dark._

Her body seemed to be weightless and empty. She leaned against the nearby building.

_She could hear the commotion in the middle of the street up ahead. The sound of yelling and boots against the ground. She moved closer... Then she could see them, their bodies lying in the middle of the street. Several members from PSICOM stood by the bodies. She found herself running with every ounce of her energy towards them. As the woman got closer she could see the unmistakable clothing from her family on the slumped bodies on the ground; the blood pooling around them. A rage that cannot be described immediately filled her inner core. Her mind went numb. Her eyes saw nothing but those bodies. The PSICOM troopers turned their heads and raised their rifles at her, yelling her to halt. She did not see or hear them._

_The only sound that she heard was her heart pounding and the screams of "No!" in her mind._

_The only sound the PSICOM troopers heard was the all too familiar transition of a gun-blade._

Lightning was now kneeling in the street at the same place as what her mind saw. She was moving her hands gently over the ground. _Over them._

_The wounds on Snow, Serah and Hope were horrific to Lightning. She never thought that simple gunshots would look so horrifying to her. Snow was slumped on the ground, his jacket a dark red with his blood. Serah and a few feet behind him. Lightning could not look at her._

_Lightning moved her head upwards and saw _him_ lying, face down. His body was twisted and contorted, most likely shot in the back after being knocked down. His life was drained on the ground. _

_All of their life was drained on the ground._

_Lightning's hands went out and touched the pools of life. It felt cold and thick. Cold and thick. She put her body on top of the pools, hoping to warm them up. She lied there, eyes stark wide open but there was nothing in them. She reached out and grabbed ahold of Serah. Serah's arm was cold to the touch. She squeezed Serah's arm tightly. But nothing happened. No response. No smile or frown on Serah's face. Lightning's other hand grasped onto Snow, his skin was clammy and stiff. There was nothing there. His eyes were open, staring into the void._

_Her eyes opened and she saw Hope's lifeless body in front of her. Her limp legs managed to work enough that she crawled her way over to him. She slowly turned his body around, so he was on his back. She took one look at his face and lost it. The tears flooded out of her eyes and she grabbed onto his red stained shirt tightly and pounded the ground with her other hand. Finally, she put her head on his chest and everything went black._

_Her next memory was digging the graves at night in the rain._

Her eyes snapped open and she found herself at the graves...


End file.
